stick

stickball was a game for an older generation. i never played the game, seemed a little pointless to me as baseball bats were widely available to me as a middle class suburban youngster. i get the point of it though, especially in big cities where grass was a luxury and 1950's inner city kids didnt always have the privileges we 1990's suburbanites did. the mere fact that i never played the game gave me an appreciation whenever i saw it in movies depicting the era of stickball. it looked like a fun game to enjoy in the street (until bobby hits one a little too far leading to an unfortunate accident with a black cadillac forcing him to work for the summer paying back the miser's while his friends continue enjoying the hot summer days...good idea for a movie, no?)

anyway, point is, i always appreciated it because i wasn't a part of it. in some warped way i think if i actually played the game i'd like it a whole lot less. because i was a part of it. there was no mystery anymore, rather a stick, a ball, some pavement, horizontal striped shirts, tight blue jeans and curveless baseball hat brims. i think somehow i would lose the excitement.

i've been thinking about why it's so difficult for me to sit down and actively search for a job. everytime i get to the computer i find something else to do, stupid things, pointless internet searches, rereading old sports blog entries, etc. anything to distract me from searching for badly needed employment. why is it so difficult for me to do? aside from my laziness which seems to have increased even more in the recent months and my lack of interest in engineering which has been increasing since i started the damn major, i think another major factor is the future lack of surprise. once i get a job, once i get settled, i move out of my parents house(cant come soon enough) THATS IT. at least for a little while. its funny, you go through 6 years at an elementary school, 3 years at a middle school, 4 at highschool, 4-5 (-6?) at college. theres a new experience at every location. once you get a job however, you'll have that forever, well maybe not forever, but youve just a made a huge decision on life, where to live, what to do, etc. and it becomes increasingly difficult every year to go back on that decision. not like college, you cant change your job like your major.

anyway, thats been troubling me lately, well whats really been troubling me is not being able to figure out why its been so difficult for me to even search for a job. but i think i have a pinpointed a little more now. i know i need to grow up and get on with my life. i know. i know. i know. i just wasnt properly prepared to.

it sort of reminds me of when i first learned to drive. it was an exciting opportunity, i was in complete control of everything behind that wheel. before i could drive i remember looking in awe at my father driving. i would routinely ask him as a kid..."how do you remember how to get to grandma's house?, how can you make that dangerous left hand turn across traffic and not be scared? how do you know? how do you remember all that driving knowledge?" when i finally was able to drive all those emotions, all that awe instantly vanished. i could do this now, i could drive, he wasnt all that special...driving isnt all that special, its cake.

though...that didnt stop the feelings i had toward driving stick. thats with two feet....theres a lot going on there, its a scary thought, driving stick, even to this day, i have to catch myself whenever im in the car with another person driving stick not to look down at both their feet moving, im still a little in awe, not awe per se, but definite wonderment. its still a mystery to me because I CANT DO THAT YET. in a wonderful mystery, but if i teach myself to drive stick...ill instantly lose that feeling of not knowing, of wonderment, of awe....and i sorta like that feeling.

i guess though, it is time for me to get an actual job, stop the bullshitting and do it. it's been a fun time being unemployed but i guess it's time to well, to put it with the them of this post learn life-stick.

awesome

yesterday: best game of golf ever

*broke 100

*shot a deuce on a par 3

*hit the roof of a house with a ball and the ball proceeded to bounce several times between the outside decks of the house and ricochet right next to the green

*golf pro/greenskeeper found it hilarious

the year of the weddings

theres an awful mess here
shrinkwrapped in cotton threads
adorned lovely for our black tie affair
and wondering if these are weddings or funerals
as i escape the eyes of scornful family members
and that one fat bridesmaid
she'll grow into her body eventually
and i'll be drunk at the bar
not giving a shit
about a fat bridesmaid
but how everyone seems to be gettin a lil bit older
while i sit here
and order another scotch and soda
one for the road

the neighborhood

i am driving from places hidden from human eyes
i am under the influences of friends, small talk, laughter, alcohol and nicotine
as i remember all the people i used to know
used to befriend
used to talk to
used to live with
i make my way past their houses
i see the signs of a new life
i see the signs daring me to change what will otherwise be a fruitless life
i see the signs of what could have been a wasted life
i see the sign warning me of a school zone ahead
i make my way past the school zone
past the school i used to enroll in
used to make friends in
used to find safety in
where i was used to the nativity of life at 15 years in the future
kyle miller used to live across the street here
i wonder what he's up to these days
but as i pass his house i slowly forget the memories with him
kaitlyn clarke used to live down the next street
and i wonder if her new boyfriend is less awkward than i was when i took her to prom
more than 5 years ago
i round the corner leading into my neighborhood where
my first friend lived so long ago
we built snowforts together
we peed in the woods together
we pretended to be sheriffs together
we pretended to be much more than we were
and loved every minute of our pretend lives
and i make my way to the house where i used to live
i used to live
i used to live
but i still live
because i really don't have a new life
and these memories are not really past
if i still reside in the same place they were made

re: my band my album (see words and visions)

i wont be naming my band/album or have my debut album looking like this bull$#@! but here it is, the debut album from Winona, Missouri: countries anyone ever stole