On christmas

The Thought Process:
what has happened to thought?
things have become so mechanical
i just wanted to shout to anybody asking what i want for christmas
"shut the fuck up"
use your heart not your wallet this year,
sure i could use a sweatshirt, why not
heck, i could use a new ink cartridge, how bout that
well hell, how bout just some cash, hows that
now i can get whatever i want, isn't that what christmas is about :)

The Travel:
i returned home to find
the house a little nicer than the previous visit
the carpet, new
the hardwood, new
the paint, new
but it all seemed so distant to me
what happened to the slightly chipped wood
or the slightly frayed carpet
or the slightly chipped paint
that i left impressions on as a boy
i ate mud off that floor before,
beleiving it to be a hunk of brownie
i guess i was lucky it wasn't another
brown substance
and i unraveled that carpet before,
sucking it right up through the vacuum
and i smeared that original layer of paint
recognizing it each time i passed as a child
and marveling at my work

christmas had come, and so had i
back to a home i'd not like to just have to memories of.
but you can't stop progress,
the continuing act of polishing the original
when maybe all it needed was to be appreciated

The Main Event:
that night i went to bed without a tingle of excitement
(had i outgrown christmas?)
and awoke without a disturbance after noon the next day
where did the wake-up call go?
where are my brothers jumping on my bed
(had they outgrown christmas?)

we finally centered around the tree realizing
there's no surprises anymore,
no tricks to play, no beating heart
just a bunch of improperly sized clothes
and a tree barely decorated
and a yard void of twinkles
and receipts lined up on the counter

The Aftermath:
and maybe it was just the puddle's overtaking
the snowball wars
or the tv overtaking the sled rides
that sent me into a spiral of confusion
or maybe i just haven't come to grips with growing up
or maybe i just realized
people don't give a shit

an anthem for the people

The lights dim in preparation
of something profound
the voices come to an abrubt silence
you can't talk here!
enlighten me!
scream a thousand faces in silence
eagerly waiting for a spotlight,
a voice to guide
a baby's upset, better throw him out
how dare he interupt

a speaker emerges
all smiles and what appears to be
botox injected cheeks
he'll walk slowly and talk emphatically
and spring new sayings off the cuff
of 3 days prior
"such a mild, kind man he is" thinks the grandmas
"what a casual guy" thinks the middle agers

says something about a rich man and a poor man
and heaven and hell
and how they mingled
but something didn't seem right
but we all took it in, bent it around our brains
and let it somehow sink in
and we remained still
staring ahead, eyes fixed
analyzing his spoken word
we all need a voice right now
and we all await his final anthem, a message for the people
for today, for tomorrow
and later we can check the box that say
"went to church"

afterwards we can sit in the lobby
and discuss how it made us "feel"
and how good the music was this year
or how funny that run-on was
ha
ha
ha
and we can feel proud
because we're holy
but secretly i was tired of daydreaming
and just wanted his bow
a farewell, enjoy the holidays
please donate

oh the perils of youth

Act 1:
aw shit, not again
well at least i'm sitted down this time
but crap class's about to end
maybe ill just stay here a lil while longer
prentend to organize or something

-bell chimes-

Act 2:
standing after most of the class is deserted
i do a quick turn around and attempt a quick
tuck-up
but it's to no avail
mesh shorts was a poor option
i guess ill just walk ass-out hunched over
art class isnt too far down the hall is it?
aw shit yeah it is.

Act 3:
walking down the hall
think non-sexy thoughts
baseball
there we go,
um, lenny dykstra
darren daulton
darren daulton's slammin wife, goddammit
uh, new topic...food
cheeseburgers
spagetti
that hottie from the food network shiiit
um, shit in my bag
pencils
paper
highlighters
darren daultons slammin wife wtf

Act 4:
whoa, where'd it go
hope nobody noticed
somebody had to of though
i mean im huge!
hmm, whatever, guess ill never know
its time to go mold a peice of clay into some sort of dish anyway
i'll chat with you later, mr. peepee

The nutcracker prophecy (seen through a skeptic)

ill sit and stare in awe
of the sickness i'm witnessing
you all can live your watered-down lives
here in this bar
you can grab the nutcracker and make him sing
make him dance and shout and rejoice
for rejoice's sake
it doesn't matter, it serves no purpose
so i'm in a shitty mood today
and this scene in front
it's humiliating, it's digusting
so maybe tonight i'll pretend to take a piss
and walk out the door
but no, tonight i'll cause disorder
i'll fool them all and go home as if it's all normal
but when i arrive i'll blare the radiohead
but only through headphones
and i'll write as a cereal killer,
one who kills for more LIFE
and ill make sure to spell things incorrectly
like cereal?
we're all just actors anyway
and somehow i'll let them know i exist
in the shadows of my own head
and i'll fool them all and cause panic for the holidays
i am the zodiac killer
i am chip reese
i am the prodigal son

the sandal

i trudged up the hill the other day
walking unsteaduly, careful in fact
the thread linking the sandal upon my foot was wearing thin
the walked turned to hobbles when the thread broke,
just a few feet from my door
which was in fact the very beginning of my journey
but i was too stubborn to turn around and grab a different pair
besides theres a free sandal in the road down the street, right.
its been there forever it seems
and i've seen it almost every day on my way out
and its there when i return
just the same, but maybe a few feet north or south, east or west

and i think about this useless sandal as a constant in my life
whether im having a shitty day or not, ill still see that sandal,
and i'll still get angry at small things
and i'll still get depresed over my (lack of) love life
and i'll still end up at the deli
and this is what i thought about limping to class
about the constants

but that night we went back to the deli
to find that what was once a "cheers bar", our bar
had turned into another run of the mill, their bar
and on our way back, that sandal in the road
had been picked up

the things that were a constant in my life had changed
but it wasn't some spontaneous, random occurance
something, someone
had changed it
whether it be a poor man in desperate search for a
second sandal to complete his ensemble
or a coke-dealing rolling pin swinging
crazy son of a bitch with some sort of mental and/or rage disorder

so i went to bed that night with these thoughts on my mind
a 22 year old
a student, a scholar
in hope i'd not wake the next morning
a 60 year old
a skeptic, a sinner
alone

i had every intention of mending my sandal the next morning
but when i woke, i just decided to toss it aside

maybe i'll get to it eventually

The oak

Kneeling down by the old oak
The black sky overhead masking his quivering lips
And somber appearance
silhouetted against the drive

He gently released the flowers from his grip
And shed a soft tear
That trickled down upon the earth
And spread throughout

The site in front,
Memories of what used to be,
And what could have been
Sent him back

His face now about to break he shouted
"Why" to the heavens above
He pounded the dirt and cursed the sky
And threw the flowers and kicked the oak



But there was nothing he could do
The curve was too sharp and the car too old
And we were all just kids
With nothing to lose
until
we
lost
it
all

Westward

the exit ramp was ahead
(vegas, next right)
neon lights illuminating the path
(or were they flourescent)
the cold concrete calling my name
(the pungent smell of disaster)
but isn't it just flash photography
(without the photography)
on a larger scale?
(i'm really lost ya know)
so i pressed on
(traveling for travel's sake)
amid the glittering signs, radient lights
(that lost all meaning)
continuously aching to be touched
(and i lost interest)
at the end of every new bend
(the ups and downs)
but with every heart beat
(i still feel mine)
with every second that passed
(an eternity)
my nerves began to cool
(i'm just tired)
and relax
(a small nap)
and dissolve into the fabric
(that i overslept)
i am one with the vehicle
(its hard to imagine)
and none with a heart
(but i still love you)

In these dreams I'll be

It's not that I can't sleep
It's that I can't stand the pressure
Of sleep
I don't have any dreams worth dreamin
I've dreamt them all
And my dreamin brain
Is tired of the pain
So I wll feign
And remain
A part of the game
Cuz I don't wanna be some worthless stain
Or in your parade the rain
Or even an Abel to your Cain
I just want to me
As lonely as that can be
Cuz it's real
That's all I can see
In these dreams I'll be

monday depressions

Sleep:
Some take it for granted but not I
See, I haven't slept in months
I mean really slept
I'll get in bed and fake innocence
Only to get out a few hours later and regognize my despair
Of not sleeping
Of not resting my mind
Of not loving
I'm a creature of habit
And my habit is despair and regret
I wish I could shake
But he creeps up unnoticed
like the many expressions seen on my face
It's not a correlation to you, but to me
Cuz I'm so depressed with these activities
And these non-activities
That set me free
But only for a little while
And sooner or later I'll be back here
In my regret, in my despair
Searching for you.

I hope I find you soon
Another weekend alone will be miserble
And intolerable

Motion

I wake to see you
Your face brings a smile to mine
And I think I'll get through the day
If I can just work up the spine

See I loved you then and always
But you went away for long
And I began to wonder
Is this really I mean really the right song

Then I remembered our times
Our smallest rhymes
Our begining times
That set us in endles motion

I woke with the memory
Just couldn't shake it off
I saw your face that night
Waiting for something, the smallest cough

You said "what...what"
With your quivering lips
And it sent me dreamin
with those endless dips

Then I remembered our times
Our smallest rhymes
Our begining times
That set us in endles motion

You knew my weaknesses
The way you left the room
The way you said goodbye
God, I'll be the groom

If you'd just let me in
I'd only have the smallest sin
I'll keep wonderin
And it aint no game but i wanna win

Cuz I'll be here forever
And I'll hold onto the memories if nothin else
Cuz it's all i got right now
And I wanna be myself
But baby, I want you more
I want you more
I want you more
I want you and me in endless motion

If you got the C4 i got the hammer

I'll sit here, polishing the posts
Wondering what a world without
Mindless dribble
Will be
Because I'd give it all up for one moment
One glance
One kiss
With you
Cuz that's all I have going for me
And that's all I'll need
To end these restless nights
These pointless days
These tasteless foods
These wordless poems
And I'll live forever
In my mind
And your thoughts
Cuz I'm broken baby
And you got the glue
But the cap is stuck
And it's hard to pull that trigger
But all you'll need is a knife
Sharp enough to cut plastic
But hard enough to withstand
Steel
Which is how my heart has grown
After years and months of anguish
And intolerables
But somehow that heart
Has sprouted a seed
Which lies deep
Within enemy boundaries
Guarded by Lightposts
And snipers
And landmines
And conscious thoughts of what is right
And wrong
In a world without
Mindless dribble

Bounce

Maybe it was my youth that set me bouncin
See,
I was really only born 6 months ago
Somewhere far far away though
In an ascending heaven nonetheless
Stretching just above where we should reach
But falling short of impossible
Which is probably strange place for anyone
And you probably wouldn't like it at first
But when you first hear your heartbeat
Reflecting off the empty voids that surround
And bounce
Bounce
Bounce around like lotto balls in a giant glass sphere
that somehow emcompasses your life
and hers
and not a sole else
till finally they lay still
And rest
And absorb into the first person you told
"I love you"
Because they've found a home
At least for now but hopefully
for a little longer
Its a marvelous feeling
And a marvelous memory
And you'd feel marvelous too
If i told you it was you
That set me back
Every time
I look in your eyes
Which set me
bounce
bounce
Bouncing off the walls
And into your heart.

Appointments or Dead Lines

Theres two types of people
Living in my circus
Those that are too busy for life
And those that life is too busy for
And I suppose they both have their
Selling points
But as i see a man
Working all day over a desk
Only to travel home
And trim the hedges
And shine his shoes
And dust his trophees
Never really understanding
Never wanting to understand
He's too Busy to understand
He's not really happy
But then I see a man
Wandering the streets
Not a care in the world
(Not a shirt on his back)
Apathetic to anything
He's had too much time to think about it
He thinks he understands
Maybe he does
But it doesn't matter
Because either way
He's not really happy
But then I see a man
This man makes his life
Pondering the ways of others
The almightly questions
He's found the equilibium
Because being too busy
Can drive you insane
But freedom
Can be your most dangerous enemy
This man, this free-thinker, this poet
Found his balance
on the tightrope of life
When I toppled into the abyss
Fortunatley there was a safety net
Stuck somewhere between
happiness and loneliness
frustration and fulfillment
sanity and schizo
That seemed to capture my friends as well

MOnsterrrrrrrrsss

There comes a time
In every young mans life
when he stops
opening the shower curtain,
glancing under the bed,
checking the closets.
I can't wait for that day

Yessir Nossir

One thousand suits
all lined up
ready to mingle,
meet and greet.
flys in a web we are
stuck between the boundaries
of hope and freedom
the two most dangerous evils.
and I live in a dream
where lines and semicolons
float
Where normal is abstract
and anxiety rings
from speakers overhead.

That guy you didn't know

He was born in a cardboard box
Across the street
He spent his days
Wandering this good earth
Soil was his poison
Travelin' his nature
But always
Yearning for more
Never knowing when it was time to move on
But doing so anyhow.
A travelin' man ya see
Is always on the run
From what or whom is unknown
But finding hope in every new city
He'll stay
Just long enough to not be missed.
Life
He says
Is more than the nature trail
Is more than the flourescent lights
More than the picket fence
Or five course meals.
Life
He says is how you find yourself
Through the mess of webs
Through the deceits
Through the hardships.
Life
He says is how
You and these events collide
Forming an interwoven mesh
Like the rag
Draped upon his back
Or the napsack
Resting on his shoulder.
Society may label him
You may not notice him
But I,
I call him a friend

No return address

She stole my heart
That night
Her body pierced sunlight
Against the night sky.
She kept my heart
Locked in my throat
Wanting to burst through
The cage it's been kept
And explode,
Infecting everyone
With this terrible disease.
She returned my heart
In a brown paper bag
Folded at the top
With my initials
Scribbled in green magic marker.

From end to end

I crossed this fellow
At the top of the road
The place where we need rides
(The place we've all broken the law)
This fellow
Had double duty today
Sale today!
Two bags for the price of one
Plus one of the female sort
Strapped end to end he was
What's good I said
Beneath the glasses
Beneath the pimples
And nerdy veneer
He knew it
That's love I said
That's committment he said
That's embarrassment I said
Get out of here
With your glasses and pimples
And nerdy veneer.

our little hideaway

Theres this undefinable moment
when everything goes blank
and all thoughts evaporate
like the fresh morning dew
or that equation you thought you remembered
This moment
is more enjoyable
is more important
is better than any you've experienced
because
your completely lost
but you love it
because
you know she's feeling the same way
It's when two hearts beat as one
it's when you could stand there a minute
and it'd be an eternity
and you're burning to tell her
but you don't
and it's not because you're in public
or because your scared
or because your worried how she'll respond
but it's because you love her

Red Carpets

Our eyes met
Just enough
to send fire through my veins
It keeps me going
(keeps me alive)
And I'd do anything
to see you now
to feel your hand pressed against mine
to hold you
And I'll die trying
To keep myself from kissing
your soft skin
your innocent smile
(just for now)
In my mind
you walk on red carpets
and I'm no king
but fit enough for a jester
maybe one that could somehow
steal your heart
And lock it up.
Because you've already taken mine.

A bunch of characters I saw last night

A bunch of characters I saw last night
Just one of those times ya know
I say "This about all we got left?"
We got characters, yeah
We got characters
As i open my eyes wide at the desolate night sky
It's on, if just for tonight
"Let's go, let's make a mess"
Sometimes you just gotta step up
Jump on that table
Make a scene
Roll out

We were a man down though
Have been for awhile
He says "You still got a crew"
We got characters, yeah
We got characters
As I peer my eyes around the glass booth
He ain't kiddin though
"These times you gotta look to somethin new"
Sometimes you gotta regulate
Throw out the red flag!
Put up your arms
Spirits all around

Then Stitches come 'round
But there were calls and affection
He says "It ain't all glory"
We got characters, yeah
We got characters
As I lift my eyes to meet a brow
What is that a joke?
"Let me tell you a story"
Sometimes it'll just work
Wave that hand
Point that finger
Line em up

Then Reason checked his watch
Not even caring what it reads
He says "We still have some room to grow, I know"
We got characters, yeah
We got characters
As I concentrate on this expression
We all do, but here and now?
"There's no longer a need to take it slow"
Sometimes you can feel it inside
Commitment, Intimacy, Passion
You got em
Bottom's up

Then Sarcasm came out of his shell
With a crooked smile
He says "But what is life?"
We got characters, yeah
We got characters
As i roll my eyes
Same ol, same ol
"Man, but it would be nice"
Sometimes you just gotta write though
Let em know your do's and don'ts
Stretch your legs
Look it over
Chug it down

Then Thought made a comment
Not unusual, but unusual just the same
He says "crooked eyes smile with the dawn"
We got characters, yeah
We got characters
As I rub my eyes
What is even going on?
"But its not even definable in the lawn"
Sometimes thinking hurts
So we just skip it
Divert your thoughts
Find a seller
Buy a round

Then Laughter came back 'round
He'd been in the John
He says "BAHH Somebody peed on the floor in there BAHH"
We got characters, yeah
We got characters
As my eyes water from the hilarity
And revel in the rambles
"I bet he got pee on his shoes too HAA"
Sometimes you just need a lift
High-fives all around
Finish it up
Pizza time

Then Man-up crashed the couch
We've been here awhile, but not too long today
He says "It's so simple but hard to perfect"
We got characters, yeah
We got characters
As my eyelids digest
And you can relate
"Why we always gotta disect?"
Sometimes you just need to rest
Handshakes and good-byes
Lay it down
Rest it up

A scene

A million little sprinkles,
Of life lost
Floating from the heavens.
Fluttering back and forth,
Memories of what used to be.
Once beautiful.
Once vibrant.
Soon to be
Trampled over
Disregarded.

A soldier stood his guard,
Smoked his pipe,
Watched
The battle rage.
The war continue.
The leaves fall all around.

Sledgehammer

Sledgehammer
Hammer
Ham
Meat, substance
The root of it all

Fear

There's a guy in my class
I swear he's a mass-murderer
He fits the profile
White, glasses, shy,
perfectly combed hair.
Dried blood
But I'll keep quiet
Because he looked at me

Screw The Metaphors

When I said I was high as a kite
I was l lying,
I was higher.
When I compared your smile to the sunrise over the mountain peaks
I wasn’t honest,
It was more fulfilling.
When I told you about the fire inside whenever we spoke
I mislead you,
Fire doesn’t burn this bright.
Fire doesn’t burn this long.
Fire doesn’t burn this intense.
So what’s a simile? What’s a metaphor?
When all they do
Is deceive.
When I say I love you,
That’s all that’s necessary.
But I will continue with the metaphors
Because I’m weak.

I love you like…
Nothing
Everything

Twenty Steps

twenty steps
avoid the situation
shit
not enough time
look away
shoelaces, tree, squirrel
glance back, I've been spotted
adjust hat
are my pants
falling down?
is there food
in my teeth?
is that
a grass-stain?
look up

"hey"

Maybe next time It'll only be 5 steps

Toilet

I do my best thinking on the toilet. I dont know what it is about that place. maybe its the serenity of it, or maybe clarity comes about a person while completely relaxing the body. i dont know. but whatever it is, i do my best thinking there. so i was thinking, how great writers are inspired and how they come up with these amazing tales and amazing stories with amazing meaning and all that good stuff. so i came to the conclusion, while on the toilet of course, that maybe these great writers just really love taking craps. i mean they probably feel the same way i do about them, so maybe they just spent like every waking hour on the toilet writing away and coming up with these amazing ideas. Maybe theres something wrong internally with these great writers that makes them crap all the time. they should really get it checked out.

people, man...people

I saw a man walking down the street today, minding his own business but talking to himself...very loudly too. in fact it almost seemed like he was having a conversation with somebody, but nobody was listening. So i watched this guy. He seemed to be normal, no huge disfigurements or anything, no crazy long facial hair or anything to denote "schizto". so i was amazed that such a normal looking man could be so insane as to talk to himself loudly walking down the street. then i realized he must have one of those bluetooth things. so this crazy man wasnt crazy at all, he was just technologically advanced. so my question is, how am i supposed to know if your technologically advanced or crazy when i see you talking to yourself?

and a better question, how will i know if you fit both of those categories? because maybe when your not talking on bluetooth, you are that guy walking down the street talking to himself loudly, but i would never know, because i always see you with bluetooth. so you could be the crazy insane but technologically advanced guy. either way, i dont want to be friends with you if you talk to yourself. because i dont like either of those categories.

i dont know where this is headed. but bluetooth is pretty crazy. go phillies

Micro

What's so different about me and my dog? my dog's life consists of 3 main activities: eating, sleeping and going to the park. He'll wake in the morning, walk around the house until we leave for work, we come home, feed him, take him to the park and then he walks around the house until he goes to bed, only to do it again tomorrow. nothings different, no surprises. what a boring waste. But i'm the same way, we all are. what do we do thats so special. we wake in the morning, eat, go to work or class, eat, and exercise - our park. we do it everyday. were slaves to it. the same thing. over and over. we cant even go one day without doing 3 things. eating, sleeping and going to the park. so when i looked at my dog the other day and felt bad for him because his life is boring, his life is just a series of the same crap over and over. then i thought about my life. whats so special about that. its just the same, maybe to a different degree, but the same. so whats life got thats so damn special?

i started thinking about this today and became depressed. i wanted something more. i drove out to barnes and noble to maybe get a book to occupy my mind and as i passed over 322 west all i could think was turning left and getting the hell out of here. go west, go find something out there, the west is where people go to find themselves right? i almost turned but as expected i just kept driving. im a slave to being timid too. i always will be. i just dont do random things like taking 322 west until i find something, myself.

i thought about this when i got back and decided ok maybe ill go, but i need someone to go with, a wingman. i called a good friend. someone i knew would either convince me not to go, or go with me because thats the kind of guy he is. a true friend. as we talked about my possible departure and life in general, he made several points that made things make a little more sense.
A. Whats out west? why does the idea of leaving make everyone seems like it will solve all their problems? everywhere is the same, people are bored all over the world but for some reason people think that changing their surroundings will change their attitude and make everything ok.
B. I was being selfish for not thinking about others, which i wasnt really. but it wasnt really the point because if i did just leave, it would be for me because i needed it and not for anyone else's benefit. I wasnt planning on leaving for long anyway. but anyway the point was that i wasnt thinking of anyone who cared for me.
C. what separates us from the dogs are the people we spend time with, people like this good friend. because it isnt the macro in life that counts - if you keep thinking about what life means you miss out on all the small things that make it worth it, the micro. that conversation was good micro.

now why did i want to go? pressure. its all over the place. i feel it more everyday. im getting older everyday and i dont want to. i want to just go back to when i was 10 playing in the backyard with neighborhood friends. i want to go back to then, when there were no expectations, nothing to worry about besides possibly getting ticks or something. life was good then. but now. everyday im getting older, everyday im getting closer to the real world and im NOT ready. i dont want a job. i dont want responsibility! i want to be playing in my backyard. i think thats partly the reason i didnt mind choosing a 5year major, id have more time to be a kid still. i think its also why i chose to go to rome this summer because if i get an internship its just one more step to being in the real world. ive got tons of loans out. it wil take me awhile to repay them. i cant do anything but stay here, get a job and grow up. i simply have to pay the loans back. people depend on me. people need me to succeed. i dont have time to figure things out, i just have to do what i have to do to get a job and money. my parents need me to succeed, and of course they wouldnt say that to me but its there. that expectation. i need to prove to them that im a smart kid, that im going to get a good job and be successful. i have to or else my mom couldnt show off pichures of me to her coworkers and say "thats my toddy boy, he's gonna be an engineer. hes gonna make the big bucks." they love saying that. no parent wants to show off a picture and say "that my son, he's confused." and i know she'd want me to find myslef, i know thats what she'd say but i still feel the pressure because i want her to be proud of me, i want her to be able to brag about me, but i also want to feel good about myself, and i dont know if i can do both. i dont know. its pressure. the pressure to succeed sucks. thats why i was thinking of leaving and getting on 322 i think. my friends are getting married. yeah, not just one. all of em. there 22. and theryr getting married. i havent had a serious girlfriend since...ever. and all my friend s are getting married. is this pressure? fuck yeah. and my roommate that just started going out with this girl 3 months ago has talked to his parents, a preist and us about possibly marrying this girl. ok, he's strait up crazy, but the rest of my friends have been wiht their partners for awhile now and theyre getting married or close to it. that scares me. am i really at that age that i should be thinking about the rest of my life kinda stuff? nah, hasnt crossed my mind yet. but i see these guys and they seem happy, the kind of happy i want. but i guess the first step is to find the girl. and thats a whole other issue of which i could write as long as this message is or more. maybe i should just get high or something and see what happens. ive never been but maybe itwould releive some of this pressure, but i doubt it, it would probably just add to it and thats not what i need. plus as i'm writing this im talking to someone i deeply care about and she wouldnt want me to. so all this pressure is building up and thats why i thought about getting away from it for awhile. sometimes i wish life was simple. but then i really think about it and im glad its not, and im glad im having these thoughts because thats what life is about. if there wasnt a struggle and a next obstacle, what would we have to look forward too?

so as you can see, im still a emotional wreck. but im not going out west. not yet. maybe tomorrow ill feel different, but tonight i want to spend time with some good friends and enjoy some micro.

On the road again

This weekend as many fellow psu-ers know was a little football match between 2 top colleges, notre dame and penn state. So by chance my roommate nate wins a lottery ticket and by chance he can't use it and by chance he gives it to me to use and by chance i found a few people to go down to south bend with. perfect right? well i thought so. everything seemed to workout in the last minute and without much effort on my part. so anyway me and neel with a couple of his friends logan and morgan decide to make the 8 hour trip to south bend, indiana for the game. we take my car because the others dont have one up here, which is partly the reason for my incredible luck-people needing rides. so anyway we gas up and fuel out. im short on cash as it is and this trip is literally going to break the bank, but who cares right, its not like an opportunity like this arrises everyday. so we gas up, take out some ash and hit the road by around 430 friday afternoon on pace to get to south bend a little after 12. so i take the first turn at the wheel. i can usually drive pretty long distances without getting tired but the only problem is that i had only 4 hours of sleep the night before and the night before that i didnt sleep at all. so im pretty tired but we made it prety far with me at the wheel. we had some good tunes, some good conversation and good people to spend the time with. it was somewhere west of cleveland, about 150 miles outside of south bend when my tank hit E and we had to get gas. i took this time to let neel take the wheel from me so i could rest a bit. the car had been running smoothly and i felt pretty confident neel could get us there ok even though he has a history of totaling cars. when we pull out ofthe service station neels first comment was something like "whoa dude, your brakes are screwy." to which i replied "whatever man, just drive" not thinking much of the comment. we got back on I-80 and sped the rest of the way there hitting 85 at times breifly. we check in the overpriced hotel and sleep 4 to a bed. i passed out pretty quickly due to my lack of slumber the past few nights. i felt sorry for neel though, he was int he middle and either way he faced he was facing dudesweat.

we got up early the next morning and checked out of the hotel by 8. i took the keys and we got in the car. as soon as i started the car the brake pedal went all the way down to the floor and i knew i was in trouble. it was very hard to stop the car . it almost felt like the power brakes went out and i was manually braking the car. it was dangerous but we decided to say screw it and get to the game anyway. we got some burgers and beer at the nearest grocer and got to the stadium and by 930 we each had a beer in hand while setting up the grill for grilling purposes. everything seemed to be going well and the atmosphere was awesome, increased by the amount of penn state fans that came all the way out to support the team. The game, well im going to sjip that part. One good thing did happen though. neel ended up buying a ticket for face value and made it into the game with us instead of watching it with the tailgaters. we ended up leaving the game with 12 minutes left in the forth, when it was no longer any fun for us.

we drove out of the stadiumand back onto I-80. we stopped at the nearest rest stop on 80 to investigate the car situation. it had seemed to be getting worse. i came close to rear ending a car coming out of the stadium. i came to a skidding halt within a few feet of his car, and it wasnt because i was going fast. on the highway you cant notice it as much because you dont brake as much naturally, so as long as i kept a large distance between me and the next car i felt safe, although a sudden stop could have meant certain death. we get to the rest area and i look under the car and notice something frayed under the car and suspect thats the problem but the redneck at the gas station doesnt know anything about cars so he couldnt help me out. i call my dad against my better judgement because i wanted to let him know of my situation not because i wanted him to rant about how i shouldnt have taken my old car and why im such an idiot but thats how the conversation went. at one point i put down the phone on the table and just let it sit there for a minute or so only to pick it up and still hear him saying the same thing. what a worthless call that was. i called my mom next and she suggested i not drive and call AAA instead but shes confused about what AAA does. they do not repair my car, they tow it. which wouldnt help my situation. then instead we'd be stranded and carless until monday when auto shops open. didnt sound like a fun plan.

we drove on. shitty brakes and all. we had 190 miles before cleveland where we'd be staying the night at logans sister's house. a tired and stressed todd plus shitty brakes. but we made it. it was pretty late when we got there. i think i got to bed around 2. the next morning i took my car to a few autoshops in the area to see if they could get around to it. none could. so i ended up leaving it at sears. they said they could get to it by monday, so our plan was simple from here. we'd take logan's sister's car back to penn state and have to bring that car back on monday and exchange it for mine. tons of driving but its what we had to do. i no longer trusted my brakes. they had been getting worse and i was expecting traffic on the way back. so thast what we did. we left the car and took off.

we drove for awhile in the little sunfire owned by logan's sister and very cramped in the back. it was an interesting roadtrip so far. we decided to stop off at sharon on the way back to get some food and at this poin it was 330 in the afternoon. i got a call from sears and they said they had some extra time so they could get to my car today. we were an hour and a half away at this point. it was shitty but we had to turn back, it was better than going all the way back tomorrow. so we sped the whole way back, they would only stay open until 5 so we had to juice it pretty fast. we got off the cleveland exit at around 440 at which point i got another call, this was not so pleasant. "uh hi is this richard drager? yes mr. drager this is sears calling...we ordered the wrong brake line...your cars not gonna be rady till tomorrow."

we drove back to psu. another 3 hours wasted just there. we were all laughing at this point. it was one hell of a roadtrip. to top things off we hit lines and lines of traffice on the way back. we didnt get in to state college until after 11. i probably have homework that im not going to do.

we drove over 20 sleep deprived hours, half without rear brakes this weekend.

we have another 8 tomorrow to pick up the car.