and so.

theres been a lot on my mind the past few days, and ive finally found the time to write a little bit about it. valentines day is tomorrow/in 12 minutes from when i started writing this. and that sucks. its one of the most depressing days of the year for me or any single guy really, or rather any single guy that is already depressed about being single. but surprisingly this year, i dont think i'll be as bummed as usual. well maybe, and herein lies the story.

its taken me awhile, but just when i thought i was finally comfortable with my life and jesus christ the bass coming from fox's room is insane. i cant write anymore right now. ill come back to this in a bit.

alright so the bass has died a bit, i can concentrate a little more now. so recently ive become okay with everything thats going on in my life. and i think the root of this was the assumption that no matter what happens in the next few months, it doesnt really matter because next year ill be in denver, halfway across the US from my home, my my school, my colleagues, and my troubles. learning to ski better, learning to play guitar, and becoming complete isolated from the east coast, discovering what im really going to be doing for the next 60 years or so. and the it was the freedom from everything on the east coast that has made me feel like not only will i be ok in the future, but i can redefine who i am in the process. i feel like ive been trapped in this little bubble of state college and college life in general for the past 4 plus years. i almost feel stagnant. like nothing im doing or have done in these years has really mattered at all. and as much as i try to fool myself into thinking that what im doing is learning and developing skills for these next 60 years, thats really just something that helps me sleep at night. because theres so much, so much more i could and should have been doing. its probably too late for me to really do anything here about it now. well probably not, but if you havent noticed by now, i am an extremely lazy person. just to throw that out there. so denver was where it would turn around for me

until i got the call monday afternoon. i didnt get the job. the job they had paid the flight for, the job where the 4 hour interview actually went extremely well, the job that actually seemed very interesting unlike all the others where i'd be sitting in office doing mindnumbingly long hours of hand calculations and severe boredom, this job instead involved field investigation, report writing, recommending changes, and a moderate amount of calculations. basically it was what i wanted, the only type of job that i actually saw myself fitting into, at least within the engineering field. not only that, but it was in denver.

so now im left with a whirlwind of emotions. just when i thought i had things figured out, it all falls apart. again. everytime i think i have a hold of my life, something like this happens. and i realize im probably blowing things out of proportion(again), there were no guarantees i'd get the job, it just really seemed that after so much work on my part for it, through all the coursework and preparation,so many interviews which was literally like 5 with the company,and all the other bullshit that went along with it that in fact i would get the job. sometimes its feels like no matter how hard i try at something, it wont work out in my favor. i guess thats a part of life. its a shitty realization. i like to feel in control of my life, but important aspects of it...i really cant control. i simply cannot control the decisions others make.

and this led me to thinking about my life, and decisions ive made that have impacted others either for the better or worse. and ive done both, i admit it. but what ive come to notice is that a lot of the decisions ive made are completely selfish. and i think this is typical for most people. i dont think people in general are inherently good. in fact i think its quite the opposite. i think people are inherently self-centered. you have to work hard to overcome this. i think many people have infact overcome this to lead a better life. i by no means am at this point yet. i mean look at all the whining above. does that not indicate selfishness? but fortunately for me i think i have surrounded myself with a group of very selfless individuals and great friends, no matter how shitty i am to them at times. and i can only thank the big man for providing me with such an awesome crew and support system. maybe one day my heart will be as strong as theirs. maybe ill quit my whining and rejoice in just the pure feeling of being alive and being blessed with a health, family and friends. or maybe one day ill really get sick of the stagnant life and just grab a few things and hit the road with a note pinned on my door reading "see ya fuckers" who knows? i hope its not the latter. but what i really hope is that soon i can figure out what im really supposed to be doing. im not really a strong believer in fate anymore. i dont think theres anything guiding me along this path because if there is, that dude is a fucked up tourguide, or hes drunk or something cuz hes led me into some bad situations. so i dont think theres anything more than what i do and what others do in return and unfortuantely i have no control over the latter (dammit!), but i do have control over the former, and i think ive matured enough through some of the tourguides misguidances and learned some things about life in the process. mainly, that life isnt a movie, life isnt a tv show, there isnt going to be a happy ending all the time, in fact rarely will things go as planned, and when they dont go as planned (which is almost always for me) it isnt funny like is it on tv. its raw, and it hurts like hell and it takes awhile to overcome, much longer than one week until the next episode. sometimes i visualize myself in a movie, sometimes its the only way i make sense of my life, i start looking for the cameras, am i being punkd? theres been some adventures definitely movie-worthy. i think some of the most movie-wrothy events have to do with the unplanned events that have taken place. and i feel really ashamed to say that im waiting for the surprise conflict that will finally put a twist on my life, so i can finally start living out the resolution. i would really like that surprise, but in all honestly i dont see it coming. i see struggles, i see hardships, and i see happiness, but i dont see a dramatic change. i dont see this life being a blockbuster. i see it going strait to dvd. because i dont see the surprise. i dont see that magical moment where someone waltz's in and changes my life. and i think deep down everybody is aching for that surprise but i dont think many people will get it, or if they do, will realize it. i know thats a selfish thing to wish for, but im just not that good a person yet.

happy valentines day