Micro

What's so different about me and my dog? my dog's life consists of 3 main activities: eating, sleeping and going to the park. He'll wake in the morning, walk around the house until we leave for work, we come home, feed him, take him to the park and then he walks around the house until he goes to bed, only to do it again tomorrow. nothings different, no surprises. what a boring waste. But i'm the same way, we all are. what do we do thats so special. we wake in the morning, eat, go to work or class, eat, and exercise - our park. we do it everyday. were slaves to it. the same thing. over and over. we cant even go one day without doing 3 things. eating, sleeping and going to the park. so when i looked at my dog the other day and felt bad for him because his life is boring, his life is just a series of the same crap over and over. then i thought about my life. whats so special about that. its just the same, maybe to a different degree, but the same. so whats life got thats so damn special?

i started thinking about this today and became depressed. i wanted something more. i drove out to barnes and noble to maybe get a book to occupy my mind and as i passed over 322 west all i could think was turning left and getting the hell out of here. go west, go find something out there, the west is where people go to find themselves right? i almost turned but as expected i just kept driving. im a slave to being timid too. i always will be. i just dont do random things like taking 322 west until i find something, myself.

i thought about this when i got back and decided ok maybe ill go, but i need someone to go with, a wingman. i called a good friend. someone i knew would either convince me not to go, or go with me because thats the kind of guy he is. a true friend. as we talked about my possible departure and life in general, he made several points that made things make a little more sense.
A. Whats out west? why does the idea of leaving make everyone seems like it will solve all their problems? everywhere is the same, people are bored all over the world but for some reason people think that changing their surroundings will change their attitude and make everything ok.
B. I was being selfish for not thinking about others, which i wasnt really. but it wasnt really the point because if i did just leave, it would be for me because i needed it and not for anyone else's benefit. I wasnt planning on leaving for long anyway. but anyway the point was that i wasnt thinking of anyone who cared for me.
C. what separates us from the dogs are the people we spend time with, people like this good friend. because it isnt the macro in life that counts - if you keep thinking about what life means you miss out on all the small things that make it worth it, the micro. that conversation was good micro.

now why did i want to go? pressure. its all over the place. i feel it more everyday. im getting older everyday and i dont want to. i want to just go back to when i was 10 playing in the backyard with neighborhood friends. i want to go back to then, when there were no expectations, nothing to worry about besides possibly getting ticks or something. life was good then. but now. everyday im getting older, everyday im getting closer to the real world and im NOT ready. i dont want a job. i dont want responsibility! i want to be playing in my backyard. i think thats partly the reason i didnt mind choosing a 5year major, id have more time to be a kid still. i think its also why i chose to go to rome this summer because if i get an internship its just one more step to being in the real world. ive got tons of loans out. it wil take me awhile to repay them. i cant do anything but stay here, get a job and grow up. i simply have to pay the loans back. people depend on me. people need me to succeed. i dont have time to figure things out, i just have to do what i have to do to get a job and money. my parents need me to succeed, and of course they wouldnt say that to me but its there. that expectation. i need to prove to them that im a smart kid, that im going to get a good job and be successful. i have to or else my mom couldnt show off pichures of me to her coworkers and say "thats my toddy boy, he's gonna be an engineer. hes gonna make the big bucks." they love saying that. no parent wants to show off a picture and say "that my son, he's confused." and i know she'd want me to find myslef, i know thats what she'd say but i still feel the pressure because i want her to be proud of me, i want her to be able to brag about me, but i also want to feel good about myself, and i dont know if i can do both. i dont know. its pressure. the pressure to succeed sucks. thats why i was thinking of leaving and getting on 322 i think. my friends are getting married. yeah, not just one. all of em. there 22. and theryr getting married. i havent had a serious girlfriend since...ever. and all my friend s are getting married. is this pressure? fuck yeah. and my roommate that just started going out with this girl 3 months ago has talked to his parents, a preist and us about possibly marrying this girl. ok, he's strait up crazy, but the rest of my friends have been wiht their partners for awhile now and theyre getting married or close to it. that scares me. am i really at that age that i should be thinking about the rest of my life kinda stuff? nah, hasnt crossed my mind yet. but i see these guys and they seem happy, the kind of happy i want. but i guess the first step is to find the girl. and thats a whole other issue of which i could write as long as this message is or more. maybe i should just get high or something and see what happens. ive never been but maybe itwould releive some of this pressure, but i doubt it, it would probably just add to it and thats not what i need. plus as i'm writing this im talking to someone i deeply care about and she wouldnt want me to. so all this pressure is building up and thats why i thought about getting away from it for awhile. sometimes i wish life was simple. but then i really think about it and im glad its not, and im glad im having these thoughts because thats what life is about. if there wasnt a struggle and a next obstacle, what would we have to look forward too?

so as you can see, im still a emotional wreck. but im not going out west. not yet. maybe tomorrow ill feel different, but tonight i want to spend time with some good friends and enjoy some micro.